Fear of Birth
Growing up I was terrified of childbirth. I knew I would have to face it at some point but I avoided thinking about it at all costs until well, I became pregnant and I could not stop thinking about it everyday.
I don’t know where this fear came from but I made a decision early on in my pregnancy that I would not live with this fear.
I wanted to re-write the story of fear and pain when it comes to childbirth and share with you my transformative journey, one filled with utter surrender and faith!
Our Birth Plan
So what did I do? Naturally, I decided I would learn everything about childbirth. Having information and knowledge decreased my anxiety and fear. I also started to pray about the whole journey and oh WOW, did God surprise us!!!
Hospital Birth
First, I planned on giving birth at a hospital. I had an OB, and I’ll never forget one day in that office, when it became crystal clear that this was not the right place for me. My OB was pressuring me to pick my induction date in September! In September!! My due date was in December. I told her I do not want to be induced nor do I want my date to be chosen for me. I wanted to fully surrender to the process whether baby decided to come early or two weeks later. I also wanted the natural route as much as I could control vs. any medical intervention. She said it will be hard to get me in during the holidays, with so many medical staff on leave for the holidays and that it was better to have a plan ahead of time. I immediately sensed a nudge and deep knowing in my intuition that went against every grain of my being. But I was over 26 weeks along and nervous that I had no idea where to go from here. I decided to let go and trust God. I told her I would be looking at other options for delivery.
Birth Center
I started researching other options – when I stumbled upon a birth center, and the minute I visited I knew this was the place. When God’s peace permeates your inner being – nothing will persuade you otherwise. You just know. I had many family members and friends try to persuade me otherwise – sharing with me fear stories and worst case scenarios. Knowing it was out of concern and love, I politely had to navigate boundaries and stand firm on what God was guiding me to do. What was incredible is that following Sunday after we had chosen our birth center, we met a couple at church who had the same due date as us and were also delivering at the same exact birth center!! What are chances of that?? This was such a beautiful confirmation of our chosen plan and how sweet of God to connect us to a couple who were in the same journey as us.
One week before due date
One week before my due date, Jake and I went to see “Christmas Vacation” in theaters with friends.
I laughed so hard that night, that I started to feel contractions, and I looked at Jake, thinking, “OMG is this it?”
After the movie, the contractions stopped.
“Good,” I thought. I had a whole bucket list of things to do before baby came, and our final one was that Saturday: our annual tradition to the Georgetown Christmas market. That Saturday, we drove up to the mountains and had the best day.
Sunday, 12.11.22
That Sunday, 12.11.22, at 39 weeks + 1 day, we went to church and I’ll never forget this.
I was waiting outside church when an older woman at our church whom I’ve never met before, told me, “You are glowing. You are ready to have this baby today.”
I chuckled, and told her, well I’m due in 6 days so it wouldn’t be completely out of line if I did.
That night, I went into labor.
On the way home from church, I told Jake the story, and I said, “Well, I’m officially done my bucket list, so baby can come anytime.” Before driving home, I stopped to get some sesame balls, such an odd craving that took me back to my first experience with these yummy desserts on a business trip to Hong Kong. We ended up getting soo many and I ate all of them that afternoon.
I didn’t take bump pictures everyday and so the fact that I snapped this picture at a restaurant bathroom was such a God wink, as this was my last bump picture and I didn’t even know it at the time.
After we got home from church, I felt so exhausted and immediately went upstairs to take a nap. I woke up 5 hours later!
I told Jake, “I can’t believe I slept that long! How did you let me sleep that long?? Now, I’m going to be up all night.”And boy was I up all night.
But how unreal, I listened to my body and gave it the rest it needed because it was preparing itself for labor!!!
At Home Labor
7PM: That evening, I started getting low cramping feeling in my belly – very similar to period pains, and I started to wonder, “Hmm is this the beginning?”
The beauty of a first-time mom is that you don’t know what you don’t know.
I continued finishing up the kitchen, stopping each time the pain would intensify.
8PM: I remember my doula saying, “If you can’t talk through the contractions, call me.”
So I called her, and asked, “Do you think I’m in labor?” She said, “100%.”
9:30pm: Jake called our midwife and told her we were in labor and described everything. She suggested I alternate between bathub and shower to see if the cramps would ease,
She reassured us this was early labor and that we probably didn’t need to go in until morning.
10:30PM: Jake calls her back, and says, the contractions didn’t stop.
Our midwife kindly told us, we should still labor at home, that this was our first time, and that I didn’t need to come in yet.
11:00PM: At this point, Jake and I are going back and forth, trying to decide if we should wait at home more.
Finally, I made a movement in our bathroom and buckled in pain, sending a deeper lower pressure than before. I told him, “We are leaving. NOW.”
Jake didn’t even question me, but when we locked eyes it was the most excited feeling we both got. This is it! It’s go time!!
We call our doula and midwife, and say, “We’re on our way.”
Car Ride
11:30PM: The car ride to the birth center will forever be stamped in my heart forever. I will never forget the peace and the transcendence of those moments. Jake had my worship music playing and I felt so deeply connected to the Lord than I have ever before. It was absolutely opposite of the fear and chaos that I have watched in movies as women are in labor. This moment was so redemptive.
At the Birth Center
12AM: We arrive at the birth center and the security guy lets us in. As Jake and I reach our birth center, we stop several times in the hallway to breathe through the contractions. We see our doula and excitedly cheer it’s time!!
When we arrived, my midwife asked if I wanted to be checked, and at this point, I’m like, “Yes.”
Here I am thinking, “This is going to be so bad. I can’t even handle the pain when they’re telling me I should still be at home – how will I be able to handle the real deal?”
When in reality, I had been in active labor all evening and when I came in, I was at 7cm.
Our midwife admitted, “You are going to have this baby soon! I’m so glad you came in!!”
I felt a new sense of confidence that I listened to my intuition yet again, despite getting other guidance.
12:30 – 1:30AM: I immediately wanted some relief and decided to labor in the water.
Jake was right by my side through every contraction, doing hip squeezes, massaging my back, and believing that I could do this. I leaned on him like never before, and I couldn’t have done it without him. The oxytocin from our connection and intimate moments of labor was so beautifull.
We joked cuz his brother who had multiple kids told him, “Call me when there’s a lull in labor.”
We looked at each other, “What lull??”
Jake was just as engaged in this process the ENTIRE time as I was and I couldn’t have done it otherwise.
There were no breaks for either of us.
Laboring in the Water
I felt so relaxed in the tub and was breathing through the contractions.I remember two distinct moments,…
For the most part, my playlist was calming worship music. The one exception was a remix of “Higher Love,” by Whitney Houston and Kygo.When this song came on, I got a burst of energy like no other. I jumped from the tub, grabbed Jake and made him get in the tub and dance with me. It was so hilarious, so much fun.
My midwife, nurse, and doula mentioned they had never seen anything like this in birth before.
We danced through the song, until the contractions intensified, and I chose to lay back down in the tub.
Another song that came on was “Rest on us.” It was so surreal hearing these lyrics as I was laboring in the water,“As the Spirit was moving over the waters, Spirit, come move over usCome rest on us.”
I can’t explain how I felt God’s nearness and presence in those hard moments. I remember looking at Jake and my support team, saying, “I can’t do this anymore.” My doula said, “You are strong, mama. You are doing it.”
My midwife told me, “You are in transition.”
As soon as I heard those words. I started to relax and get excited. I compared transition to hitting the WALL in the marathon so I knew I was close.
This was actually so encouraging to me, but I knew I had about 6 miles left to go, in birth it was about one more hour.
1:30AM: We decided to get out of the tub because I was getting to hott. I stepped out of the tub, and I vomitted and simultaneously my water broke.Up to that point, I had completely forgotten my water was still supposed to break.I went over to the bathroom to clean myself up and then transitioned to the bed. I was exhausted.
She’s Here – 12.12.2022
2am: My contractions ended and I got in the cat cow position to start to push, which was a whole new sensation than contractions. What a surreal experience. I didn’t realize my body would just do its thing. I labored facing the bed on all fours and I would get in the yoga position cat cow each time I would push and then when each push was over I would collapse on the bed.”Whew, what a relief.” Absolute no pain when the pushing stopped. That was such a wonderful surprise. I thought this is better than a marathon, the pain never stops during the race in the last 10k.
2:40am: The last fifteen or so minutes felt like a blurr like the last couple miles of a hard marathon do. I tried to breathe through every moment of pain, yet when I experienced the “ring of fire,” I was not expecting feeling every little part of my baby girl. I was like why did I do this? THIS IS WAY HARDER THAN A MARATHON!!!
So many thoughts came through my mind, “ Why did I choose to not get an epidural?” It’s too late, no going back now, and then I remembered. “This will pass. I won’t even feel this soon.”
On, my last push, I told Jesus – please let HER come NOW. I can’t do another push. The deep knowing in our soul – if you get to experience that in life moments, is unlike anything you can imagine. To know my baby girl was coming without having confirmation of the gender was unreal.
2:53am: Jake caught our baby girl and handed her to me, saying “Welcome Anaya.”
You are so strong, mama. I am amazed by you.”
Anaya – means “God answers” & “God is gracious” in Hebrew. In my most desperate moments, when I didn’t believe in a God, I realized he was always there alongside me.
I took a good nap in the birth center till 7am, when they completed some stiching from a tear. If I were to do birth differently next time, this is one thing I would do differently. I would push when my body was telling me to vs. when I was told. You don’t need to be told what to do – you can do it and I’m hopeful that would prevent tears in the future.
9am: We were ready to head home.
It was so surreal that we were only there for a couple of hours and then got to go home early that morning.
Another amazing positive about birth center and not having to stay at hospital multiple nights! In addition, to them never taking your baby away from you. We were allowed to have her sleep on us the whole time and she was always in our sight.
Never in my wildest dreams if you asked me that I would give birth naturally with no medicine given my initial fear of birth did I think I could actually do it!!
So this is an encouragement for the mama who doesn’t think she can do it, don’t let fear stop you from doing what seems to be impossible to you.
The first month I experienced a high like no other – to accomplish the impossible feels so empowering. It was a transforming milestone in my life that I will never forget.
